Three Week Cycles: Break the Anger Pattern

Another thing to be aware of is that the Adult Children of Alcoholics community cautions against the three week cycle or tension point. This is the amount of time most active alcoholics could resist their addiction until they created something to blow up at that allowed them the right to go out and binge. I find it interesting that this is concurrent with menstrual cycles as well. But be aware that your family may have had cycles of uproar and upset even if there was no drinking involved based on generations of this phenomenon. And your anger may follow a similar cycling.

The idea is to break that cycle. To see it. To sit in it. To not let these old habits of yore drive our response. Easier said than done...agreed. Perhaps a spoken agreement with a loved one to check whether this is happening in your household and to hold off on action until the time has passed is a good idea. Charting on a calendar can also bring some awareness around this pattern.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Anger

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Anger (Transcribed from a Benjamin Smythe Video)

There is healthy and unhealthy anger. Healthy anger is just setting boundaries. Every organism on the planet is trying to get its needs met and sometimes it uses you to do that---with or without your permission.

And so anger is a way to say, “You need my permission, to come any further.” Anger is what keeps us from being doormats, it’s what keeps us from lying to ourselves. It keeps us from taking something that we truly value, whether it’s a skill or a talent, or a perspective, and protecting it---from the reality that, the organism is set up in some ways to try to get everything for free, and leave behind what it doesn’t want.

And it’s innocent. [We all do it/have done it]. It’s a life without really knowing how to set boundaries (so anger can be very useful for that).

I worked with a man who said, “When you stop seeking approval, you’re going to feel like an asshole. “ Because the anger is how you protect yourself against cheating yourself. Let’s say you’re going around in your life, you’re saying no when you mean yes and yes when you mean no, you’re not telling anyone the truth---you’re hoping for approval---and you’re going along and going along and so you’ve lost trust in yourself.

And at some point, it’s so miserable that you go, “F--- this! I’m going to do what I NEED to DO and I’m going to keep EVERYBODY out!!!” And at first, that’s a very necessary thing. Because you’ve been lying so badly, the anger is actually the LOVE being firm (which is very different from violence, it’s literally just setting a boundary: “I’m not. No, no , no.” ). [Said] when you mean ‘no’ and ‘yes’ when you mean ‘yes.’

And over time that anger is not necessary as you begin to trust yourself.

So when you stop seeking approval, if that’s something that you’re personally working on, you may feel like….a jerk. Because that anger has to be expressed, otherwise, you don’t have the tools yet to truly trust that you will be LOVED if you tell the truth.

The unhealthy side of anger….

…is that it’s self-hate. So you are angry at yourself and then you turn it outwards (I worked with another man, who would say, “If I’m going to suffer, than so are you.” Basically, if you hate yourself, than that’s all you have to offer. And if you love yourself, than that’s all you have to offer.

And so, freedom and peace and liberation and all of that, can only happen when you love yourself. Because that love is absolutely necessary to carry you through the various stages of self-annihilation (which happen when you are actually seeking enlightenment). So if you love yourself, and here comes an incredible amount of terror, [to say to yourself], “It’s okay, homey, it’s okay. Just trust. I love you. Just trust” will become very, very useful---it’s like an ally.

So a HEALTHY ego can awaken. An unhealthy ego can’t get anywhere near awakening, because it is still healing its wound---caused by not loving itself, caused by believing the conditioning from society (friends, family, church) caused by being its own enemy. So, first, HEAL—heal the relationship you have with yourself if you haven’t already. [One example would be to say to yourself], “It’s okay, it’s okay. We’re doing our best. It’s okay. We’ve been doing our best the whole time. Sometimes we didn’t know. Sometimes we didn’t pay attention. It’s okay.”

So, loving the face in the mirror. Loving that entire ‘character’ that you would call ‘your name’. When ‘that’ is completely loved THEN…then you can seek. Then you can sit and simply listen. And the layers will fall away.

The healthy anger is protection so that that love can happen. And unhealthy anger is terrified of loving, really--- I mean, terrified of loving.

If someone came into your house and tried to [harm] your family, it wouldn’t be wrong to defend yourself; to defend what you care about, to defend what you love (as best you can). If you have to hurt them to stop them from hurting your family, then ideally you do that in a way that leaves them still alive, and unable to hurt you.

There are thoughts---simply from the ‘web of the world’, from beliefs of antiquity, from schoolteachers and parents and friends and books and thousands of years of self-hate momentum---these thoughts have been believed (perhaps…or perhaps you’ve already cleared them all out…perhaps you never had them; that’s also an option). Bu if you believe these thoughts, then this anger is no different than protecting your from someone coming in and trying to hurt them. Because thoughts are a ‘virus’---there is nothing wrong with you. You were not born imperfect. The Christians, the Jews and anyone who believes in sin is not telling the truth. That is an entire system of self-hate, made into an incredible organization.
There.Is.Nothing.Wrong.With.You. Nothing. And if feels like there is, it’s just because you’ve believed all of this self-hate-conditioning.

So the anger is protection from all of that noise and all of those voices.

This is why if you look in the mirror and say, “I love you” to the face you see, and then perhaps you get what I got when I did it “F--- you!” and all of this stuff. And it’s an amazing experience because THAT’s the ‘robber’ who has broken through the door trying to get at the family.

And what’s amazing, what’s even better than that, is that you can actually just turn [your perspective] and ‘see’ all of that: all of that conditioning and all of that learning and self-critical judgments. Everything you believed when someone called you a ‘dumbass’ or a ‘sinner’ or said ‘something’s wrong with you’ and you see it and you realize you’re listening to it [this force of conditioning]! So if you’re listening to it, it’s not YOU.

And then…you can love it. Because you can hear that it’s just mistaken identity. And you love each piece, each thing, each belief that is heavy in your heart; each piece that is trapping and binding you in fear.

There is nothing wrong with you. There never was.

But this process is not like something that is [immediate]. It’s a process, it takes effort, it takes courage. TO love yourself and to sit still and LISTEN.

Because until you love yourself you have nothing to offer the world except need. Nothing. Because everything you do is simply trying to get a need met from the outside. And the need can only be met on the inside. When it is [met], then there is creativity and inspiration and energy and patience and compassion and just so much is available---to share with others.

How to Handle Conflict/Anger in ANY Relationship

Prince EA does it again. Simple truth (and even a nod to Byron Katie!):

If You Don’t Have this Skill, Your Relationships Will Fail.

Posted by Prince Ea on Monday, October 19, 2015

How to Control Your Mind (and Your Anger)

Prince EA says it better than I can. Please give this great video a quick look:

How To STOP Negative/Stressful Thinking Once and For All.This is A Must See!!

Posted by Prince Ea on Monday, October 26, 2015

See more vids on my website Work Stress Solutions.Com

What's the Matter With Anger?

Since this is my blog, I'd like to use this post to discuss how I REALLY feel about anger. Instead of trying to find a remedy for it, I'd like to ask: What's wrong with it in the first place? I lose my temper, and then I'm me again. I didn't kill anyone, I didn't even hit anyone, so why do so many people tend to avoid me or drop away completely when I get angry?

They don't do that when I cry. They don't do that when I sulk. So what is it that makes us repel with anger? Why do we judge it so harshly? Is it conditioning from our childhood? Were we punished more harshly when we responded in this way?

I'd like to make anger acceptable. Especially in women. It seems to me that a man is defined as strong or assertive when angered and a woman is called one word: Bitch.

Sit In It

There's a little known work called The Presence Process. It's a program developed by Michael Brown after battling with a chronic pain disorder that he claims allowed his body and mind to heal itself. It simply teaches you to SIT in your feelings. When you feel sad, angry, thrilled sit quietly, let it absorb your body and feel it fully. Without agenda, without expectation, let the feelings consume you. They WILL dissipate. It's counterintuitive, but it works.


Most of us resist our feelings, try to replace them with "better" ones or drive them away (temporarily) with substances. This doesn't work, at least not for long. The Presence Process DOES work however.


You can buy the book and work the ten-week program, but I simply invite you try finding a quiet place to sit and breathe and let feeling percolate up and observe the sensation in the body. It won't kill you, in fact in will make you stronger.

Expressing Your Anger Doesn't Eliminate Your Anger

According to Dr. Albert Ellis, just the opposite. In expressing our anger, we flare our nervous system and create neurotransmitters and adrenaline receptors that, later, beg to be fed. In other words, they want you to get angry again so they can live.

Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, a fancy term for changing your thoughts, is Dr. Ellis' solution. Here's more:

REBT is an action-oriented approach to managing cognitive, emotional, and behavioral disturbances.

According to REBT, it is largely our thinking about events that leads to emotional and behavioral upset. With an emphasis on the present, individuals are taught how to examine and challenge their unhelpful thinking which creates unhealthy emotions and self-defeating/self-sabotaging behaviors.

REBT is a practical approach to assist individuals in coping with and overcoming adversity as well as achieving goals. REBT places a good deal of its focus on the present. REBT addresses attitudes, unhealthy emotions (e.g., unhealthy anger, depression, anxiety, guilt, etc.) and maladaptive behaviors (e.g., procrastination, addictive behaviors, aggression, unhealthy eating, sleep disturbance, etc.) that can negatively impact life satisfaction. REBT practitioners work closely with individuals, seeking to help identify their individual set of beliefs (attitudes, expectations and personal rules) that frequently lead to emotional distress.

REBT then provides a variety of methods to help people reformulate their dysfunctional beliefs into more sensible, realistic and helpful ones by employing the powerful REBT technique called “disputing.” Ultimately, REBT helps individuals to develop a philosophy and approach to living that can increase their effectiveness and satisfaction at work, in living successfully with others, in parenting and educational settings, in making our community and environment healthier, and in enhancing their own emotional health and personal welfare.

I'll provide the HOW later. If you'd like to explore this on your own, click here.

It Wasn't Supposed To Be This Way!

Anger can also come from a feeling of injustice. A feeling that something isn't fair or should be a different way than it is. Romance is supposed to make us happy. People shouldn't be starving. Hard work should be rewarded. The good guys are supposed to win.

These are the things we've been taught in our culture. And like it or not, they don't always come true. In fact, they OFTEN don't come true. It would be a better use of our time and effort to invest in the plan for when they don't work out, then to bang our head in frustration, against the Societal Brick Wall of Justice.

How will you handle it when the promise from elders and society doesn't happen for you?

Anger is not action. Anger is not progress. Very often, we see it as energy or energetic. But it is not the same as picking up the pieces. Or having a plan for change. Or even starting a small protest on the Capital Steps. Don't confuse anger with activity or might. Your entire life could be consumed with this falsehood. And nothing will change at all.

Anger is Fear (or Sadness/Grief/Loss)

I like to play with this notion that all anger is really fear (and/or the impending result of what you feared came to pass and now you are sad). It was first brought to my attention through a study that is viewable on the American Psychological Association website. I often track my own anger to its root and see that it is always fear (even though at first, I don't believe that at all).

So, if the people before you are fearful (when they lose their temper, give you the silent treatment, etc), how can we ask them what they are afraid of instead of judging them for presenting "anger" instead. They are presenting anger to us as a form of self-protection; to keep their dignity and self-esteem in place in an unsafe situation. Can't blame them for that! I'd be worried about someone who DIDN'T do this when faced with such a vulnerable reality.

Anger is fear. But we can't SAY that to people. They'll only become more fearful (and this will be presented as more anger). We need words we can use to pose questions that will get to the root---the truth---of what is happening for people when anger is present.

"I know from past conversations with others at your level, Director, that not getting the budget you expected can be a blow. You may be imagining how your employees will react when they hear the news. Or you may be wondering how you will provide the same level of quality and service on fewer dollars. Here is why the money is less this year (insert reason). I am wondering if we can take a look at what you can cut to make up for this difference. I'd be happy to help you with this analysis."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I would get this picture in my head when I was trying out for cheerleading at your age of what would happen, how would I respond or act, if I didn't make it? I am thinking you have similar pictures in your head when you are trying out for football and it may worry you. What could be some things you could say if you don't make the team that would sort of deflect that embarrassing moment, should it come to pass? Something funny or light would work, wouldn't it?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The silent treatment may seem like the calmer, kinder response...but when I can't hear what you are thinking, I have no way to respond to try and make things better. Would you consider telling me what you are thinking right now?"



Sit down and craft an opening statement that does NOT make the person seem weak, wrong or even impartially informed. Find a way to interject your own experience with the same or similar situation. Then start a conversation with this person when things are a little calmer and SHUT UP after offering the opening statement. Don't try to change their mind. Don't try to persuade them to see they are wrong or off-base or that you aren't the one they should be mad at. Just be quiet and wait for the reply. See it as peeling back layers of an onion.

If they are scared, you have the advantage. You literally have the biological advantage because your brain hasn't moved into the "reptile" mode that anger causes. Be the rational one instead of getting scared yourself and leaping to their angry state in defense.

The Body's Role In Anger

Like it or not (I vote for 'not'), we are all in bodies. These vessels move us from place to place and there is a maintenance required that can be tiring, expensive or even problematic. Namely: sleeping, eating, exercise and regular physician visits. The body is also used for adornment, pleasure seeking, violence, nurturing and other human endeavors beyond just the movement of parts to the next location.

Vanity and pain are about the body. And the first is mentioned, because I used vanity for a very long time to care for my body. I didn't really care about longevity or cardiovascular fitness in my 20s and 30s, I just wanted to look cute in a bathing suit. But the eating and exercise required to keep my body in bathing-suit-form was actually a recipe for health as well. When I limited my intake of things like alcohol, fast food, caffeine, sugar and other "thrill inducers," my body got leaner.

Recently, I decided I don't care about that anymore. And I started to "fall off the wagon" with regard to eating right and exercise. I didn't care if I had a little belly or some extra bottom. But, what started to happen was skeletal issues, back pain so intense I'd liken it to labor pains. I'm not sure if it was the more sedentary lifestyle, but right when I thought I could stop the disciplined routine, my body had other ideas. And now I have pain, instead of vanity, to keep me in check with three things: food, exercise and STRESS or ANGER.

When I get stressed, I know from my research that my body starts a process where it starts taking large amounts of stored nutrients to deal with the external "threat." Even if that threat is just a few snarky emails back and forth between a coworker and myself. I can feel my lower back seize during these times, and as much as I hate my "back flares", they are serving as a reminder that if I don't want 24 hours of excruciating pain, I better chill and do it quickly and genuinely.

In addition, the chemicals released into my bloodstream during these episodes will continue to read as "false positives" until they are flushed from my system through water, perspiration and respiration. In the meantime, the chemicals are telling my brain, 'Beware! Be nervous! Be tense!" It's a bit of a vicious circle.

I offer this to you today, as a possible way to keep yourself in check with anger and the physical ramifications it has on the body. Many are unseen by us, but our physicians report them to us (diabetes from comfort eating, alcohol abuse, cigarettes, high blood pressure and so on). Perhaps I am lucky (though it sure doesn't seem that way to me), that I have such a high consequence to pay for stress and anger that I am currently not willing to "go there" for much these days.

I just can't stand the pain.

Hard is Easier, Easy Never Ends

With a few foundational posts about the nature of anger, it may be time to move to what I would call "the work" or the way to pull up causal roots of the chosen response of anger. The remedy, like many of Life's truths, is a paradox. Instead of resisting anger, using willpower, or avoiding it through distraction techniques (affirmations, meditation and so on), you are to purposely sit in your anger (or any of the actual feelings that are at the center of anger, namely fear and sadness).

The work, is to sit for about ten minutes a day (you can work up to this), and purposely have your angry thoughts. You would look for fear and sadness, not push it away. And once you are feeling these emotions, you let them wash over your entire being. You allow the energy to fully exist. You won't really DO anything. You show yourself---and your nervous system---that the best way to get rid of an emotion, is to let it be fully expressed. Therein lies the paradox.

Now, you don't go in with this agenda. That's where the work comes in. You must allow this feeling to enter and be fully realized, seeing at the end that you are not only not dead, but not even stressed. In fact, you feel better. But if you go into this sitting with that expectation, than the expectation becomes the sensation, and you'll make no progress. Sorry about that, but that's how those darn Universal Truths tend to be.

Anger will not harm you. Nor will fear or sadness. The suppression of these may, however! Prove that to yourself. Do it now. Remember reading about it isn't the same as doing it. You'll stay stuck forever if that's all you do here.

So in conclusion, you aren't trying to feel better. You're trying to get better at feeling.

Got it?

Anger is Always a Lie

I have become a workplace expert on emotions. The reason is because I needed to understand my own emotions, where they came from, and how to process or express them intelligently (i.e., in a way that wouldn't get me fired!).

Initially, I spent time noticing my thoughts, noticing my stories, and even worked with qualified professionals to look at those stories and determine if they were actually true. What came from this practice, was the realization that when I get upset, mad, angry...it was because I was telling myself a story that was inaccurate. Wildly inaccurate, in fact. A lie, if you will. And I believed that story and was defending this story as if it meant life or death.

The two main techniques I used (and still use today), were "The Option Method" and "The Work of Byron Katie." I prefer the latter, and can now do the latter in my head, but to start on paper is not only important, it's required.

The idea behind these two processes is to put your current troubling thought on a piece of paper. Now, the thought has to be the REAL thought and not the one you are likely sharing with others. For instance, your boss may not seem to notice or acknowledge your contribution. If you say it that formally, you could probably find lots of people to agree with you and make you right (though you'll stay miserable in the process). If you go "pop psychologist" about this thought, you may even say, "I'm not noticed, but that's because my boss suffers from narcissism and is also Type-A, so it's really not his fault nor mine."

Instead, what we need is THE thought. The one that keeps you up at night. The un-PC, immature, judgy thought. It probably sounds like this: My boss is so wrapped up in himself, he never even bothers to praise me or appreciate my contribution to the department.

Now, THAT's more like it. And that thought would piss ANYONE off. So, that's the one we need to put through this initial process, this examination. If a thought agitates you, it's because it is false...and you need that energy, that momentum to keep the partial truth in place. To "prop up" your story.

Following very loosely, the Work of Byron Katie (graphic above), the first step is to ask yourself if that's true. Entirely 100% true. So, the first test of proof, is to come up with three times when he DID praise your work or appreciated you. Find those three times, however minor. Now, you're starting to let that rigid thought, that falsehood, melt a little.

Next, you ask yourself if there is a stress-free reason, a reason that makes you awesome at work, to keep this thought in place. What does it DO for you? Does it motivate? Does it inspire? Does it make you feel amazing? Well, that's reason #2 to drop it.

The next phase is to turn the thought totally around to yourself. It sounds like this:

"Have I praised HIM for what he does for our department?"
"Do I give MYSELF praise or appreciation for getting up everyday and doing this work?"
"Is it ME that doesn't appreciate myself by holding these negative thoughts all day long?"

If you're serious about giving up anger as a response in your life, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you educate yourself on these processes. The resources on these websites are totally free. There are videos, worksheets, articles and in the case of The Work, you can even call one of their coaches and work with them for FREE. You only pay for the phone call.

The test of whether you really, truly don't want anger in your life, is whether you are willing to click on the links (that I so politely provided) and get started. You won't progress by just reading about it.

Guilt

This emotion may take more than one post. This emotion is the truly causal root of all things anger. Guilt is a combination of sadness and fear on steroids. It's saying to ourselves, on some level, not only am I sad I did that, but now someone is gonna come get me and punish me. Sadness and Fear make a baby.

Some people are making this distinction between guilt and shame. Namely, Brene Brown. Now, this is an improvement over the other interpretations where guilt, shame, etc. meant you should wallow in self-loathing just to make extra sure you didn't do "it" again. Enter: drug addiction, sexual deviation, suicidal depression and so on. The guilt of yore was to be a safeguard against humans wreaking havoc on other humans. Except, it didn't really work. It turned into a high-functioning form of mental insanity. And shame---well, shame----was really where we went off the path and started ruining perfectly good humans as a form of insurance to keep this plight from our own front doors.

Back to guilt. I will do more than one post on guilt. Because guilt is the anger that is fueling our 'isms." You know the ones: Racism, sexism, ageism, etc. The ones who first used the less-powerful, the ones who first saw advantage and took advantage---these are the ones who now have GUILT on a global level and its absolutely killing us all. Quite literally in some cases.

For now, I'd like to provide this possibility: Feeling guilty does not erase the wrong-doing. Feeling guilty only creates such an internal discomfort that to get relief, to carry on in the day to day, you must PROJECT it--throw it outward---to continue. And that creates the symptom of anger. That THRUST, that throwing outward is the stuff of 'isms, and riots and rape and wars.

So, for now, let us all digest this reality. Chew on this new knowledge. Consider that guilt is one of the most harmful emotions of all. Prepare yourself and your psyche for something different. Something better.

Tools To Get Us Through

Before we start, let's lessen the damage of anger as much as possible, deal with the symptoms, before we pull up the causal roots. I suggest what is currently working for me, The Anger Goddess, to stop my anger responses, still get my needs met in the situation that initially flared my temper, and keep the relationship in tact.

As I mentioned in the first entry, anger is considered "a perversion of one or two other emotions," that we don't want other people to see. That's a direct quote from a study on the American Psychological Association's website, by the way. Those two emotions are fear and sadness (grief/loss). I propose you actually use this information to your advantage. Go ahead and declare that these two emotions (one or both) are present, disarming your opponent in your honesty and transparency.

It doesn't have to be a therapy-moment. You can still protect your dignity. You need a couple of well-worded sentences that you can use when situations like this present themselves. Here are some suggestions:

(Car mechanic seems to be taking advantage of you by over-charging): "I'm worried that this amount is too high. I don't know that I can pay this amount. I am also worried (worry is fear) that our relationship can't continue at these prices. I feel like I've lost (sadness) a great mechanic relationship and I wish that wasn't happening. Any suggestions?"


(Spouse isn't doing her fair share of chores around the house): "I'm concerned (fear) that I may be doing more things around here than I think I can handle in the long-term (loss/sadness of quality of life). I would like to talk about it, because it makes me feel a little sad to think our household responsibilities will continue like this forever. What can we do to make it more fair?"

(Child won't do homework): "I worry (fear) that if you don't do your homework, you will get behind the other students (loss = sadness). I know it's a lot and that can feel overwhelming (fear) and I remember feeling like I was the only one (loss of peer group = sadness) that couldn't keep up and it made me just not want to do it at all (frustration is low-level anger). Is that what's happening for you?"


Let the other party help you problem solve. Don't try to force your wishes, your desired outcome. That force is anger. Allow for multiple solutions to the problem you fear (causing your anger).

If you need other words for fear, words that don't make you look like a wimp, here are some options:

Concern
Trepidation
Unsure
Uncertain
Not satisfied
Frustrated
Tense
Preoccupied (with perceived negative outcome)
Cautious

If you need more macho words for sadness, here are some suggestions:

Disappointed
Blue
Consumed (with negative thoughts about)
A little sad
Regretful
Troubled
Worried
Down
Unhappy

Why a Blog About Anger?

Anger has been the theme or the thread throughout my entire life. My grandparents were angry. My parents were angry, and eventually, I became amazingly good at being angry. My son now has this ability. My two ex-husbands were also great at what seemed to me to be two emotions: rage and suppressed rage. Maybe I was just projecting.

The entire force behind my career was getting a handle on my own anger. Eventually, it became something called "workplace communications" and "stress management expert", but in truth, it was about learning why I was angry, how to stop being angry and then getting so good at this information that I was asked to teach this to others. We just dressed it up a little and called it "people skills."

During my years as an author and trainer in workplace communication (the workplace being the one place where anger is most prevalent and damaging), I have stumbled on a lot of information about this much-feared emotion. And fear is the key word here. One such piece of research suggested that anger is a learned emotion, not natural to humans, and that it was actually masking two other emotions that are even MORE troubling: fear and sadness


Fear and sadness make us appear weak (or at least vulnerable). And weak translates into being attacked. And attacked means death. So, if you're following the logic, anger is a tool to keep us from being killed. Anger is our weapon against death.

I think that's probably enough for my first entry. The goal here will be to provide you (and me) with regular insights into anger and hopefully to eliminate it from our responses when dealing with the world. I won't be recommending repression or medication, however. I'm going to recommend trial-by-fire---I'm going to lead us through the scary, hateful, damaging reality of anger, and bring us all out the other side.


At least that's the intention.