It Wasn't Supposed To Be This Way!

Anger can also come from a feeling of injustice. A feeling that something isn't fair or should be a different way than it is. Romance is supposed to make us happy. People shouldn't be starving. Hard work should be rewarded. The good guys are supposed to win.

These are the things we've been taught in our culture. And like it or not, they don't always come true. In fact, they OFTEN don't come true. It would be a better use of our time and effort to invest in the plan for when they don't work out, then to bang our head in frustration, against the Societal Brick Wall of Justice.

How will you handle it when the promise from elders and society doesn't happen for you?

Anger is not action. Anger is not progress. Very often, we see it as energy or energetic. But it is not the same as picking up the pieces. Or having a plan for change. Or even starting a small protest on the Capital Steps. Don't confuse anger with activity or might. Your entire life could be consumed with this falsehood. And nothing will change at all.

Anger is Fear (or Sadness/Grief/Loss)

I like to play with this notion that all anger is really fear (and/or the impending result of what you feared came to pass and now you are sad). It was first brought to my attention through a study that is viewable on the American Psychological Association website. I often track my own anger to its root and see that it is always fear (even though at first, I don't believe that at all).

So, if the people before you are fearful (when they lose their temper, give you the silent treatment, etc), how can we ask them what they are afraid of instead of judging them for presenting "anger" instead. They are presenting anger to us as a form of self-protection; to keep their dignity and self-esteem in place in an unsafe situation. Can't blame them for that! I'd be worried about someone who DIDN'T do this when faced with such a vulnerable reality.

Anger is fear. But we can't SAY that to people. They'll only become more fearful (and this will be presented as more anger). We need words we can use to pose questions that will get to the root---the truth---of what is happening for people when anger is present.

"I know from past conversations with others at your level, Director, that not getting the budget you expected can be a blow. You may be imagining how your employees will react when they hear the news. Or you may be wondering how you will provide the same level of quality and service on fewer dollars. Here is why the money is less this year (insert reason). I am wondering if we can take a look at what you can cut to make up for this difference. I'd be happy to help you with this analysis."

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"I would get this picture in my head when I was trying out for cheerleading at your age of what would happen, how would I respond or act, if I didn't make it? I am thinking you have similar pictures in your head when you are trying out for football and it may worry you. What could be some things you could say if you don't make the team that would sort of deflect that embarrassing moment, should it come to pass? Something funny or light would work, wouldn't it?"

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"The silent treatment may seem like the calmer, kinder response...but when I can't hear what you are thinking, I have no way to respond to try and make things better. Would you consider telling me what you are thinking right now?"



Sit down and craft an opening statement that does NOT make the person seem weak, wrong or even impartially informed. Find a way to interject your own experience with the same or similar situation. Then start a conversation with this person when things are a little calmer and SHUT UP after offering the opening statement. Don't try to change their mind. Don't try to persuade them to see they are wrong or off-base or that you aren't the one they should be mad at. Just be quiet and wait for the reply. See it as peeling back layers of an onion.

If they are scared, you have the advantage. You literally have the biological advantage because your brain hasn't moved into the "reptile" mode that anger causes. Be the rational one instead of getting scared yourself and leaping to their angry state in defense.

The Body's Role In Anger

Like it or not (I vote for 'not'), we are all in bodies. These vessels move us from place to place and there is a maintenance required that can be tiring, expensive or even problematic. Namely: sleeping, eating, exercise and regular physician visits. The body is also used for adornment, pleasure seeking, violence, nurturing and other human endeavors beyond just the movement of parts to the next location.

Vanity and pain are about the body. And the first is mentioned, because I used vanity for a very long time to care for my body. I didn't really care about longevity or cardiovascular fitness in my 20s and 30s, I just wanted to look cute in a bathing suit. But the eating and exercise required to keep my body in bathing-suit-form was actually a recipe for health as well. When I limited my intake of things like alcohol, fast food, caffeine, sugar and other "thrill inducers," my body got leaner.

Recently, I decided I don't care about that anymore. And I started to "fall off the wagon" with regard to eating right and exercise. I didn't care if I had a little belly or some extra bottom. But, what started to happen was skeletal issues, back pain so intense I'd liken it to labor pains. I'm not sure if it was the more sedentary lifestyle, but right when I thought I could stop the disciplined routine, my body had other ideas. And now I have pain, instead of vanity, to keep me in check with three things: food, exercise and STRESS or ANGER.

When I get stressed, I know from my research that my body starts a process where it starts taking large amounts of stored nutrients to deal with the external "threat." Even if that threat is just a few snarky emails back and forth between a coworker and myself. I can feel my lower back seize during these times, and as much as I hate my "back flares", they are serving as a reminder that if I don't want 24 hours of excruciating pain, I better chill and do it quickly and genuinely.

In addition, the chemicals released into my bloodstream during these episodes will continue to read as "false positives" until they are flushed from my system through water, perspiration and respiration. In the meantime, the chemicals are telling my brain, 'Beware! Be nervous! Be tense!" It's a bit of a vicious circle.

I offer this to you today, as a possible way to keep yourself in check with anger and the physical ramifications it has on the body. Many are unseen by us, but our physicians report them to us (diabetes from comfort eating, alcohol abuse, cigarettes, high blood pressure and so on). Perhaps I am lucky (though it sure doesn't seem that way to me), that I have such a high consequence to pay for stress and anger that I am currently not willing to "go there" for much these days.

I just can't stand the pain.