Hard is Easier, Easy Never Ends

With a few foundational posts about the nature of anger, it may be time to move to what I would call "the work" or the way to pull up causal roots of the chosen response of anger. The remedy, like many of Life's truths, is a paradox. Instead of resisting anger, using willpower, or avoiding it through distraction techniques (affirmations, meditation and so on), you are to purposely sit in your anger (or any of the actual feelings that are at the center of anger, namely fear and sadness).

The work, is to sit for about ten minutes a day (you can work up to this), and purposely have your angry thoughts. You would look for fear and sadness, not push it away. And once you are feeling these emotions, you let them wash over your entire being. You allow the energy to fully exist. You won't really DO anything. You show yourself---and your nervous system---that the best way to get rid of an emotion, is to let it be fully expressed. Therein lies the paradox.

Now, you don't go in with this agenda. That's where the work comes in. You must allow this feeling to enter and be fully realized, seeing at the end that you are not only not dead, but not even stressed. In fact, you feel better. But if you go into this sitting with that expectation, than the expectation becomes the sensation, and you'll make no progress. Sorry about that, but that's how those darn Universal Truths tend to be.

Anger will not harm you. Nor will fear or sadness. The suppression of these may, however! Prove that to yourself. Do it now. Remember reading about it isn't the same as doing it. You'll stay stuck forever if that's all you do here.

So in conclusion, you aren't trying to feel better. You're trying to get better at feeling.

Got it?

Anger is Always a Lie

I have become a workplace expert on emotions. The reason is because I needed to understand my own emotions, where they came from, and how to process or express them intelligently (i.e., in a way that wouldn't get me fired!).

Initially, I spent time noticing my thoughts, noticing my stories, and even worked with qualified professionals to look at those stories and determine if they were actually true. What came from this practice, was the realization that when I get upset, mad, angry...it was because I was telling myself a story that was inaccurate. Wildly inaccurate, in fact. A lie, if you will. And I believed that story and was defending this story as if it meant life or death.

The two main techniques I used (and still use today), were "The Option Method" and "The Work of Byron Katie." I prefer the latter, and can now do the latter in my head, but to start on paper is not only important, it's required.

The idea behind these two processes is to put your current troubling thought on a piece of paper. Now, the thought has to be the REAL thought and not the one you are likely sharing with others. For instance, your boss may not seem to notice or acknowledge your contribution. If you say it that formally, you could probably find lots of people to agree with you and make you right (though you'll stay miserable in the process). If you go "pop psychologist" about this thought, you may even say, "I'm not noticed, but that's because my boss suffers from narcissism and is also Type-A, so it's really not his fault nor mine."

Instead, what we need is THE thought. The one that keeps you up at night. The un-PC, immature, judgy thought. It probably sounds like this: My boss is so wrapped up in himself, he never even bothers to praise me or appreciate my contribution to the department.

Now, THAT's more like it. And that thought would piss ANYONE off. So, that's the one we need to put through this initial process, this examination. If a thought agitates you, it's because it is false...and you need that energy, that momentum to keep the partial truth in place. To "prop up" your story.

Following very loosely, the Work of Byron Katie (graphic above), the first step is to ask yourself if that's true. Entirely 100% true. So, the first test of proof, is to come up with three times when he DID praise your work or appreciated you. Find those three times, however minor. Now, you're starting to let that rigid thought, that falsehood, melt a little.

Next, you ask yourself if there is a stress-free reason, a reason that makes you awesome at work, to keep this thought in place. What does it DO for you? Does it motivate? Does it inspire? Does it make you feel amazing? Well, that's reason #2 to drop it.

The next phase is to turn the thought totally around to yourself. It sounds like this:

"Have I praised HIM for what he does for our department?"
"Do I give MYSELF praise or appreciation for getting up everyday and doing this work?"
"Is it ME that doesn't appreciate myself by holding these negative thoughts all day long?"

If you're serious about giving up anger as a response in your life, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you educate yourself on these processes. The resources on these websites are totally free. There are videos, worksheets, articles and in the case of The Work, you can even call one of their coaches and work with them for FREE. You only pay for the phone call.

The test of whether you really, truly don't want anger in your life, is whether you are willing to click on the links (that I so politely provided) and get started. You won't progress by just reading about it.

Guilt

This emotion may take more than one post. This emotion is the truly causal root of all things anger. Guilt is a combination of sadness and fear on steroids. It's saying to ourselves, on some level, not only am I sad I did that, but now someone is gonna come get me and punish me. Sadness and Fear make a baby.

Some people are making this distinction between guilt and shame. Namely, Brene Brown. Now, this is an improvement over the other interpretations where guilt, shame, etc. meant you should wallow in self-loathing just to make extra sure you didn't do "it" again. Enter: drug addiction, sexual deviation, suicidal depression and so on. The guilt of yore was to be a safeguard against humans wreaking havoc on other humans. Except, it didn't really work. It turned into a high-functioning form of mental insanity. And shame---well, shame----was really where we went off the path and started ruining perfectly good humans as a form of insurance to keep this plight from our own front doors.

Back to guilt. I will do more than one post on guilt. Because guilt is the anger that is fueling our 'isms." You know the ones: Racism, sexism, ageism, etc. The ones who first used the less-powerful, the ones who first saw advantage and took advantage---these are the ones who now have GUILT on a global level and its absolutely killing us all. Quite literally in some cases.

For now, I'd like to provide this possibility: Feeling guilty does not erase the wrong-doing. Feeling guilty only creates such an internal discomfort that to get relief, to carry on in the day to day, you must PROJECT it--throw it outward---to continue. And that creates the symptom of anger. That THRUST, that throwing outward is the stuff of 'isms, and riots and rape and wars.

So, for now, let us all digest this reality. Chew on this new knowledge. Consider that guilt is one of the most harmful emotions of all. Prepare yourself and your psyche for something different. Something better.

Tools To Get Us Through

Before we start, let's lessen the damage of anger as much as possible, deal with the symptoms, before we pull up the causal roots. I suggest what is currently working for me, The Anger Goddess, to stop my anger responses, still get my needs met in the situation that initially flared my temper, and keep the relationship in tact.

As I mentioned in the first entry, anger is considered "a perversion of one or two other emotions," that we don't want other people to see. That's a direct quote from a study on the American Psychological Association's website, by the way. Those two emotions are fear and sadness (grief/loss). I propose you actually use this information to your advantage. Go ahead and declare that these two emotions (one or both) are present, disarming your opponent in your honesty and transparency.

It doesn't have to be a therapy-moment. You can still protect your dignity. You need a couple of well-worded sentences that you can use when situations like this present themselves. Here are some suggestions:

(Car mechanic seems to be taking advantage of you by over-charging): "I'm worried that this amount is too high. I don't know that I can pay this amount. I am also worried (worry is fear) that our relationship can't continue at these prices. I feel like I've lost (sadness) a great mechanic relationship and I wish that wasn't happening. Any suggestions?"


(Spouse isn't doing her fair share of chores around the house): "I'm concerned (fear) that I may be doing more things around here than I think I can handle in the long-term (loss/sadness of quality of life). I would like to talk about it, because it makes me feel a little sad to think our household responsibilities will continue like this forever. What can we do to make it more fair?"

(Child won't do homework): "I worry (fear) that if you don't do your homework, you will get behind the other students (loss = sadness). I know it's a lot and that can feel overwhelming (fear) and I remember feeling like I was the only one (loss of peer group = sadness) that couldn't keep up and it made me just not want to do it at all (frustration is low-level anger). Is that what's happening for you?"


Let the other party help you problem solve. Don't try to force your wishes, your desired outcome. That force is anger. Allow for multiple solutions to the problem you fear (causing your anger).

If you need other words for fear, words that don't make you look like a wimp, here are some options:

Concern
Trepidation
Unsure
Uncertain
Not satisfied
Frustrated
Tense
Preoccupied (with perceived negative outcome)
Cautious

If you need more macho words for sadness, here are some suggestions:

Disappointed
Blue
Consumed (with negative thoughts about)
A little sad
Regretful
Troubled
Worried
Down
Unhappy

Why a Blog About Anger?

Anger has been the theme or the thread throughout my entire life. My grandparents were angry. My parents were angry, and eventually, I became amazingly good at being angry. My son now has this ability. My two ex-husbands were also great at what seemed to me to be two emotions: rage and suppressed rage. Maybe I was just projecting.

The entire force behind my career was getting a handle on my own anger. Eventually, it became something called "workplace communications" and "stress management expert", but in truth, it was about learning why I was angry, how to stop being angry and then getting so good at this information that I was asked to teach this to others. We just dressed it up a little and called it "people skills."

During my years as an author and trainer in workplace communication (the workplace being the one place where anger is most prevalent and damaging), I have stumbled on a lot of information about this much-feared emotion. And fear is the key word here. One such piece of research suggested that anger is a learned emotion, not natural to humans, and that it was actually masking two other emotions that are even MORE troubling: fear and sadness


Fear and sadness make us appear weak (or at least vulnerable). And weak translates into being attacked. And attacked means death. So, if you're following the logic, anger is a tool to keep us from being killed. Anger is our weapon against death.

I think that's probably enough for my first entry. The goal here will be to provide you (and me) with regular insights into anger and hopefully to eliminate it from our responses when dealing with the world. I won't be recommending repression or medication, however. I'm going to recommend trial-by-fire---I'm going to lead us through the scary, hateful, damaging reality of anger, and bring us all out the other side.


At least that's the intention.