Anger has been the theme or the thread throughout my entire life. My grandparents were angry. My parents were angry, and eventually, I became amazingly good at being angry. My son now has this ability. My two ex-husbands were also great at what seemed to me to be two emotions: rage and suppressed rage. Maybe I was just projecting.
The entire force behind my career was getting a handle on my own anger. Eventually, it became something called "workplace communications" and "stress management expert", but in truth, it was about learning why I was angry, how to stop being angry and then getting so good at this information that I was asked to teach this to others. We just dressed it up a little and called it "people skills."
During my years as an author and trainer in workplace communication (the workplace being the one place where anger is most prevalent and damaging), I have stumbled on a lot of information about this much-feared emotion. And fear is the key word here. One such piece of research suggested that anger is a learned emotion, not natural to humans, and that it was actually masking two other emotions that are even MORE troubling: fear and sadness
Fear and sadness make us appear weak (or at least vulnerable). And weak translates into being attacked. And attacked means death. So, if you're following the logic, anger is a tool to keep us from being killed. Anger is our weapon against death.
I think that's probably enough for my first entry. The goal here will be to provide you (and me) with regular insights into anger and hopefully to eliminate it from our responses when dealing with the world. I won't be recommending repression or medication, however. I'm going to recommend trial-by-fire---I'm going to lead us through the scary, hateful, damaging reality of anger, and bring us all out the other side.
At least that's the intention.
From a visitor:
ReplyDeleteHmmmm, you say it's not about repression, then there's this: 'the scary, hateful, damaging reality of anger'? I know it can be that for some, but I don't see it that way. We need to channel it so we're not hurting ourselves or others, but it feels good to let anger out in an appropriate way. Besides a weapon against death, I find it motivates me - in my work as a CASA, for example. And I can use it to move forward without the 'scary, hateful, damaging' aspects.
Stephanie Goddard " I haven't found that to be true. There is always a cost with that type of anger. I have to "better" someone or force someone. I'm going to go with the premise that it is fear or sadness, mismanaged. And to let us walk into the fear and sadness, express it productively, and cut out the middle man. People aren't harmed by fear or sadness (unless fear is turned into anger).
I realize some people, esp. women, just got in touch with their anger and see its protective properties...but if my journey is of the whole, it comes at a price. And I don't want to pay that price anymore. I want a better way. A higher way.
Stephanie Goddard from Work Stress Solutions.ComAugust 21, 2015 at 12:40 PM
Visitor: I don't feel like I have to 'better' someone or force someone... When I first took Debbie's Shadow Process, I was shocked to learn how many people couldn't get in touch with their anger. Although my mother couldn't do it, my father taught me that we could get angry, get it out (without getting personal) and move on. Most importantly, that we still love each other.
Stephanie Goddard : Tell me how that looked. What did he say or do? Because that hasn't been my experience. It may be possible to find one or two souls in this lifetime who have accepted their own humanness, and therefore, can accept yours, but that hasn't been my experience in the main.
Stephanie Goddard : I WISH people were like that. But from my experience, they aren't.
Visitor: It's funny because he never said, 'We're going to get angry with each other now and this is how we do it', but he showed me that we could yell at each other about whatever the issue was, make our points, take a break from each other, then come back together. It was unspoken (although I guess modeled) that it was never a personal attack - just a chance to get whatever was bothering us off our chests.
Stephanie Goddard And besides your dad, you have others who have this unspoken agreement with you?
Visitor: I hadn't thought about that... Some, I guess. More importantly, I think, it taught me that I could express my anger with others without attacking them. And, especially as it relates to my work as a CASA, I don't have to be liked all the time. So, if people aren't happy with me because I expressed my anger, that's the way it goes.
Stephanie Goddard: I want to see if we can express what's true for us and NOT have people have to "self-protect" by not liking us. I think it's possible. I think it's the next stage for us.