Anger is Always a Lie

I have become a workplace expert on emotions. The reason is because I needed to understand my own emotions, where they came from, and how to process or express them intelligently (i.e., in a way that wouldn't get me fired!).

Initially, I spent time noticing my thoughts, noticing my stories, and even worked with qualified professionals to look at those stories and determine if they were actually true. What came from this practice, was the realization that when I get upset, mad, angry...it was because I was telling myself a story that was inaccurate. Wildly inaccurate, in fact. A lie, if you will. And I believed that story and was defending this story as if it meant life or death.

The two main techniques I used (and still use today), were "The Option Method" and "The Work of Byron Katie." I prefer the latter, and can now do the latter in my head, but to start on paper is not only important, it's required.

The idea behind these two processes is to put your current troubling thought on a piece of paper. Now, the thought has to be the REAL thought and not the one you are likely sharing with others. For instance, your boss may not seem to notice or acknowledge your contribution. If you say it that formally, you could probably find lots of people to agree with you and make you right (though you'll stay miserable in the process). If you go "pop psychologist" about this thought, you may even say, "I'm not noticed, but that's because my boss suffers from narcissism and is also Type-A, so it's really not his fault nor mine."

Instead, what we need is THE thought. The one that keeps you up at night. The un-PC, immature, judgy thought. It probably sounds like this: My boss is so wrapped up in himself, he never even bothers to praise me or appreciate my contribution to the department.

Now, THAT's more like it. And that thought would piss ANYONE off. So, that's the one we need to put through this initial process, this examination. If a thought agitates you, it's because it is false...and you need that energy, that momentum to keep the partial truth in place. To "prop up" your story.

Following very loosely, the Work of Byron Katie (graphic above), the first step is to ask yourself if that's true. Entirely 100% true. So, the first test of proof, is to come up with three times when he DID praise your work or appreciated you. Find those three times, however minor. Now, you're starting to let that rigid thought, that falsehood, melt a little.

Next, you ask yourself if there is a stress-free reason, a reason that makes you awesome at work, to keep this thought in place. What does it DO for you? Does it motivate? Does it inspire? Does it make you feel amazing? Well, that's reason #2 to drop it.

The next phase is to turn the thought totally around to yourself. It sounds like this:

"Have I praised HIM for what he does for our department?"
"Do I give MYSELF praise or appreciation for getting up everyday and doing this work?"
"Is it ME that doesn't appreciate myself by holding these negative thoughts all day long?"

If you're serious about giving up anger as a response in your life, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you educate yourself on these processes. The resources on these websites are totally free. There are videos, worksheets, articles and in the case of The Work, you can even call one of their coaches and work with them for FREE. You only pay for the phone call.

The test of whether you really, truly don't want anger in your life, is whether you are willing to click on the links (that I so politely provided) and get started. You won't progress by just reading about it.