Three Week Cycles: Break the Anger Pattern

Another thing to be aware of is that the Adult Children of Alcoholics community cautions against the three week cycle or tension point. This is the amount of time most active alcoholics could resist their addiction until they created something to blow up at that allowed them the right to go out and binge. I find it interesting that this is concurrent with menstrual cycles as well. But be aware that your family may have had cycles of uproar and upset even if there was no drinking involved based on generations of this phenomenon. And your anger may follow a similar cycling.

The idea is to break that cycle. To see it. To sit in it. To not let these old habits of yore drive our response. Easier said than done...agreed. Perhaps a spoken agreement with a loved one to check whether this is happening in your household and to hold off on action until the time has passed is a good idea. Charting on a calendar can also bring some awareness around this pattern.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Anger

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Anger (Transcribed from a Benjamin Smythe Video)

There is healthy and unhealthy anger. Healthy anger is just setting boundaries. Every organism on the planet is trying to get its needs met and sometimes it uses you to do that---with or without your permission.

And so anger is a way to say, “You need my permission, to come any further.” Anger is what keeps us from being doormats, it’s what keeps us from lying to ourselves. It keeps us from taking something that we truly value, whether it’s a skill or a talent, or a perspective, and protecting it---from the reality that, the organism is set up in some ways to try to get everything for free, and leave behind what it doesn’t want.

And it’s innocent. [We all do it/have done it]. It’s a life without really knowing how to set boundaries (so anger can be very useful for that).

I worked with a man who said, “When you stop seeking approval, you’re going to feel like an asshole. “ Because the anger is how you protect yourself against cheating yourself. Let’s say you’re going around in your life, you’re saying no when you mean yes and yes when you mean no, you’re not telling anyone the truth---you’re hoping for approval---and you’re going along and going along and so you’ve lost trust in yourself.

And at some point, it’s so miserable that you go, “F--- this! I’m going to do what I NEED to DO and I’m going to keep EVERYBODY out!!!” And at first, that’s a very necessary thing. Because you’ve been lying so badly, the anger is actually the LOVE being firm (which is very different from violence, it’s literally just setting a boundary: “I’m not. No, no , no.” ). [Said] when you mean ‘no’ and ‘yes’ when you mean ‘yes.’

And over time that anger is not necessary as you begin to trust yourself.

So when you stop seeking approval, if that’s something that you’re personally working on, you may feel like….a jerk. Because that anger has to be expressed, otherwise, you don’t have the tools yet to truly trust that you will be LOVED if you tell the truth.

The unhealthy side of anger….

…is that it’s self-hate. So you are angry at yourself and then you turn it outwards (I worked with another man, who would say, “If I’m going to suffer, than so are you.” Basically, if you hate yourself, than that’s all you have to offer. And if you love yourself, than that’s all you have to offer.

And so, freedom and peace and liberation and all of that, can only happen when you love yourself. Because that love is absolutely necessary to carry you through the various stages of self-annihilation (which happen when you are actually seeking enlightenment). So if you love yourself, and here comes an incredible amount of terror, [to say to yourself], “It’s okay, homey, it’s okay. Just trust. I love you. Just trust” will become very, very useful---it’s like an ally.

So a HEALTHY ego can awaken. An unhealthy ego can’t get anywhere near awakening, because it is still healing its wound---caused by not loving itself, caused by believing the conditioning from society (friends, family, church) caused by being its own enemy. So, first, HEAL—heal the relationship you have with yourself if you haven’t already. [One example would be to say to yourself], “It’s okay, it’s okay. We’re doing our best. It’s okay. We’ve been doing our best the whole time. Sometimes we didn’t know. Sometimes we didn’t pay attention. It’s okay.”

So, loving the face in the mirror. Loving that entire ‘character’ that you would call ‘your name’. When ‘that’ is completely loved THEN…then you can seek. Then you can sit and simply listen. And the layers will fall away.

The healthy anger is protection so that that love can happen. And unhealthy anger is terrified of loving, really--- I mean, terrified of loving.

If someone came into your house and tried to [harm] your family, it wouldn’t be wrong to defend yourself; to defend what you care about, to defend what you love (as best you can). If you have to hurt them to stop them from hurting your family, then ideally you do that in a way that leaves them still alive, and unable to hurt you.

There are thoughts---simply from the ‘web of the world’, from beliefs of antiquity, from schoolteachers and parents and friends and books and thousands of years of self-hate momentum---these thoughts have been believed (perhaps…or perhaps you’ve already cleared them all out…perhaps you never had them; that’s also an option). Bu if you believe these thoughts, then this anger is no different than protecting your from someone coming in and trying to hurt them. Because thoughts are a ‘virus’---there is nothing wrong with you. You were not born imperfect. The Christians, the Jews and anyone who believes in sin is not telling the truth. That is an entire system of self-hate, made into an incredible organization.
There.Is.Nothing.Wrong.With.You. Nothing. And if feels like there is, it’s just because you’ve believed all of this self-hate-conditioning.

So the anger is protection from all of that noise and all of those voices.

This is why if you look in the mirror and say, “I love you” to the face you see, and then perhaps you get what I got when I did it “F--- you!” and all of this stuff. And it’s an amazing experience because THAT’s the ‘robber’ who has broken through the door trying to get at the family.

And what’s amazing, what’s even better than that, is that you can actually just turn [your perspective] and ‘see’ all of that: all of that conditioning and all of that learning and self-critical judgments. Everything you believed when someone called you a ‘dumbass’ or a ‘sinner’ or said ‘something’s wrong with you’ and you see it and you realize you’re listening to it [this force of conditioning]! So if you’re listening to it, it’s not YOU.

And then…you can love it. Because you can hear that it’s just mistaken identity. And you love each piece, each thing, each belief that is heavy in your heart; each piece that is trapping and binding you in fear.

There is nothing wrong with you. There never was.

But this process is not like something that is [immediate]. It’s a process, it takes effort, it takes courage. TO love yourself and to sit still and LISTEN.

Because until you love yourself you have nothing to offer the world except need. Nothing. Because everything you do is simply trying to get a need met from the outside. And the need can only be met on the inside. When it is [met], then there is creativity and inspiration and energy and patience and compassion and just so much is available---to share with others.