Tools To Get Us Through

Before we start, let's lessen the damage of anger as much as possible, deal with the symptoms, before we pull up the causal roots. I suggest what is currently working for me, The Anger Goddess, to stop my anger responses, still get my needs met in the situation that initially flared my temper, and keep the relationship in tact.

As I mentioned in the first entry, anger is considered "a perversion of one or two other emotions," that we don't want other people to see. That's a direct quote from a study on the American Psychological Association's website, by the way. Those two emotions are fear and sadness (grief/loss). I propose you actually use this information to your advantage. Go ahead and declare that these two emotions (one or both) are present, disarming your opponent in your honesty and transparency.

It doesn't have to be a therapy-moment. You can still protect your dignity. You need a couple of well-worded sentences that you can use when situations like this present themselves. Here are some suggestions:

(Car mechanic seems to be taking advantage of you by over-charging): "I'm worried that this amount is too high. I don't know that I can pay this amount. I am also worried (worry is fear) that our relationship can't continue at these prices. I feel like I've lost (sadness) a great mechanic relationship and I wish that wasn't happening. Any suggestions?"


(Spouse isn't doing her fair share of chores around the house): "I'm concerned (fear) that I may be doing more things around here than I think I can handle in the long-term (loss/sadness of quality of life). I would like to talk about it, because it makes me feel a little sad to think our household responsibilities will continue like this forever. What can we do to make it more fair?"

(Child won't do homework): "I worry (fear) that if you don't do your homework, you will get behind the other students (loss = sadness). I know it's a lot and that can feel overwhelming (fear) and I remember feeling like I was the only one (loss of peer group = sadness) that couldn't keep up and it made me just not want to do it at all (frustration is low-level anger). Is that what's happening for you?"


Let the other party help you problem solve. Don't try to force your wishes, your desired outcome. That force is anger. Allow for multiple solutions to the problem you fear (causing your anger).

If you need other words for fear, words that don't make you look like a wimp, here are some options:

Concern
Trepidation
Unsure
Uncertain
Not satisfied
Frustrated
Tense
Preoccupied (with perceived negative outcome)
Cautious

If you need more macho words for sadness, here are some suggestions:

Disappointed
Blue
Consumed (with negative thoughts about)
A little sad
Regretful
Troubled
Worried
Down
Unhappy