Anger is Fear (or Sadness/Grief/Loss)

I like to play with this notion that all anger is really fear (and/or the impending result of what you feared came to pass and now you are sad). It was first brought to my attention through a study that is viewable on the American Psychological Association website. I often track my own anger to its root and see that it is always fear (even though at first, I don't believe that at all).

So, if the people before you are fearful (when they lose their temper, give you the silent treatment, etc), how can we ask them what they are afraid of instead of judging them for presenting "anger" instead. They are presenting anger to us as a form of self-protection; to keep their dignity and self-esteem in place in an unsafe situation. Can't blame them for that! I'd be worried about someone who DIDN'T do this when faced with such a vulnerable reality.

Anger is fear. But we can't SAY that to people. They'll only become more fearful (and this will be presented as more anger). We need words we can use to pose questions that will get to the root---the truth---of what is happening for people when anger is present.

"I know from past conversations with others at your level, Director, that not getting the budget you expected can be a blow. You may be imagining how your employees will react when they hear the news. Or you may be wondering how you will provide the same level of quality and service on fewer dollars. Here is why the money is less this year (insert reason). I am wondering if we can take a look at what you can cut to make up for this difference. I'd be happy to help you with this analysis."

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"I would get this picture in my head when I was trying out for cheerleading at your age of what would happen, how would I respond or act, if I didn't make it? I am thinking you have similar pictures in your head when you are trying out for football and it may worry you. What could be some things you could say if you don't make the team that would sort of deflect that embarrassing moment, should it come to pass? Something funny or light would work, wouldn't it?"

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"The silent treatment may seem like the calmer, kinder response...but when I can't hear what you are thinking, I have no way to respond to try and make things better. Would you consider telling me what you are thinking right now?"



Sit down and craft an opening statement that does NOT make the person seem weak, wrong or even impartially informed. Find a way to interject your own experience with the same or similar situation. Then start a conversation with this person when things are a little calmer and SHUT UP after offering the opening statement. Don't try to change their mind. Don't try to persuade them to see they are wrong or off-base or that you aren't the one they should be mad at. Just be quiet and wait for the reply. See it as peeling back layers of an onion.

If they are scared, you have the advantage. You literally have the biological advantage because your brain hasn't moved into the "reptile" mode that anger causes. Be the rational one instead of getting scared yourself and leaping to their angry state in defense.