Anger Management Services

As a stress management and communication skills expert, I can provide individual solutions to your anger issues that are guaranteed and completely confidential. I don't intend to add to your stress by charging more than you can afford, so all of my services are on a sliding scale. You and I will determine together, what your fee will be for the following:

Telephone Coaching
Email Coaching
Resume Creation and Interview Coaching
Human Resources Advice/Guidance
Spiritual Reading and Guidance

See my site Work Stress Solutions for details.

Five Steps to Eliminating Anger?

Maybe. Here's an article that swears this process works in just minutes a day and in five days:

From the article: All of us feel anger at times in our lives, and as long as we can acknowledge it and feel it fully, it flows through us and causes no harm. However, when we suppress it, when we hold it in and don’t feel safe expressing that anger, watch out!

Link to article

Back Pain is Repressed Anger

I didn't just make this up. There's a whole movement around this started by Dr. John Starno (Healing Back Pain: The Mind Body Connection).

And I believe it's true, based on my experience with back pain. But let me back up for a minute (pun intended) and tell you how I think my back pain started.

Yoga was a big part of who I was/am. But at my last job, they put another person in my office. Me, the introvert, was working everyday with a very extroverted person in "my" office. And in that office, I would often use part of my lunch hour to pop in a DVD and do a yoga session. Or just roll out the mat when I was stressed and work it out. But I stopped doing that when this happened. Because? I WAS SELF CONSCIOUS. But, what was more true, is I lost that part of myself. To get along. To not be weird. To not make someone else uncomfortable.

I've decided it bothers me that we've used a phrase as powerful as "self conscious" to be a bad thing. I wish we'd known enough as a species to have said instead: ego conscious. I'm conscious of my ego, my fake self, my protective shell, my social face.

Because to be self-conscious should be a good thing. And now we don't have a way to say, "I have awakened to myself. I am self-conscious." This came up for me this morning when I did yoga. I haven't done yoga in probably a year. And just typing that brings tears to my eyes. I'm not sure if my back pain started because of this or not. But back pain happened, and happened in a big way (emergency room visits) and I stopped exercising all together. It's all sort of a swirl to me. But since I left that job, I haven't had a back flare. In fact, I've been gardening and doing home improvement and kept noticing that my back was cooperating instead of stabbing me like before.

So today, I tried yoga again. I put in my favorite DVD. And it was like, "Wow...welcome home, baby...where have you been?" I felt self-conscious (in the best possible way) as I went through the familiar and beloved movements of my body. I was still a little scared, but I completed the entire session. And it felt wonderful. We'll see what happens tonight. Will I have a flare? Or am I self-conscious enough of my anger issues that I don't need this "reminder"?

Anger Stems From An Untrue Thought

You have read this truth either here or somewhere else. But that's easy to SAY, but what does it really mean and how do you do it?

This is a free PDF from DropBox (you do not have to register to read this, just select "No Thanks" below the registration box), that has the answer you need. It says it's the answer to enlightenment, but that's the same thing. Enlightenment or spiritual awakening is really just identifying the man-made ego (formed by thought) and putting it in its rightful place--instead of it being in control.

Here's the link.

Goal: Never Express Anger

Dr. Robert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Therapy (a pre-cursor to Byron Katie's 'The Work') found that if we EXPRESS anger we actually increase the likelihood of being angry in the future. The anger response is so physically stimulating that it programs the brain to want MORE, not less anger.

We've been told as a society that it isn't okay to NOT express anger or we will have heart attacks or get ulcers or have a stroke and so on. But his research found the opposite: that to express it is to create a reactionary set of biological circumstances that will tug at you to be reactivated again. What that means is you will be unconsciously LOOKING for things to get upset about...to feed these new pathways caused by adrenaline to survive. You get into a cycle that is harder and harder to break.

From one journal:

Anger can sabotage or inhibit you from achieving your goals
(a) Can’t solve problem: Anger acts as camouflage
(b) Gets misdirected at others
(c) Results in depression & anxiety
(d) Takes the form of self-criticism
(e) Creates tension in relationships

Another observation from Ellis that may shift your view of WHY you are expressing anger:

Anger Expression as a Way to Control Others – Much like temper tantrums in children, adult tantrums that accompany anger are performed with the intent to manipulate others into behaving accordingly, with or without the conscious awareness of the angry aggressor. While it may benefit the person in the short-term (and thus reinforcing the probability of more tantrums occurring in the future), anger tantrums inevitably will have negative consequences.

Egocentric Entitlement – This is a strongly held belief that one is deserving of fair treatment by other people, society, life, or the universe. However, much like self-righteousness, the belief is so strongly held that the notion of fairness only applies to oneself at the expense of the fair treatment of others. In some instances, anger may arise when we see ourselves deprived from the “privileges” the universe has given others, driving anger towards others, the universe, and even ourselves.

Visit Stephanie's website at http://www.work-stress-solutions.com

Three Week Cycles: Break the Anger Pattern

Another thing to be aware of is that the Adult Children of Alcoholics community cautions against the three week cycle or tension point. This is the amount of time most active alcoholics could resist their addiction until they created something to blow up at that allowed them the right to go out and binge. I find it interesting that this is concurrent with menstrual cycles as well. But be aware that your family may have had cycles of uproar and upset even if there was no drinking involved based on generations of this phenomenon. And your anger may follow a similar cycling.

The idea is to break that cycle. To see it. To sit in it. To not let these old habits of yore drive our response. Easier said than done...agreed. Perhaps a spoken agreement with a loved one to check whether this is happening in your household and to hold off on action until the time has passed is a good idea. Charting on a calendar can also bring some awareness around this pattern.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Anger

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Anger (Transcribed from a Benjamin Smythe Video)

There is healthy and unhealthy anger. Healthy anger is just setting boundaries. Every organism on the planet is trying to get its needs met and sometimes it uses you to do that---with or without your permission.

And so anger is a way to say, “You need my permission, to come any further.” Anger is what keeps us from being doormats, it’s what keeps us from lying to ourselves. It keeps us from taking something that we truly value, whether it’s a skill or a talent, or a perspective, and protecting it---from the reality that, the organism is set up in some ways to try to get everything for free, and leave behind what it doesn’t want.

And it’s innocent. [We all do it/have done it]. It’s a life without really knowing how to set boundaries (so anger can be very useful for that).

I worked with a man who said, “When you stop seeking approval, you’re going to feel like an asshole. “ Because the anger is how you protect yourself against cheating yourself. Let’s say you’re going around in your life, you’re saying no when you mean yes and yes when you mean no, you’re not telling anyone the truth---you’re hoping for approval---and you’re going along and going along and so you’ve lost trust in yourself.

And at some point, it’s so miserable that you go, “F--- this! I’m going to do what I NEED to DO and I’m going to keep EVERYBODY out!!!” And at first, that’s a very necessary thing. Because you’ve been lying so badly, the anger is actually the LOVE being firm (which is very different from violence, it’s literally just setting a boundary: “I’m not. No, no , no.” ). [Said] when you mean ‘no’ and ‘yes’ when you mean ‘yes.’

And over time that anger is not necessary as you begin to trust yourself.

So when you stop seeking approval, if that’s something that you’re personally working on, you may feel like….a jerk. Because that anger has to be expressed, otherwise, you don’t have the tools yet to truly trust that you will be LOVED if you tell the truth.

The unhealthy side of anger….

…is that it’s self-hate. So you are angry at yourself and then you turn it outwards (I worked with another man, who would say, “If I’m going to suffer, than so are you.” Basically, if you hate yourself, than that’s all you have to offer. And if you love yourself, than that’s all you have to offer.

And so, freedom and peace and liberation and all of that, can only happen when you love yourself. Because that love is absolutely necessary to carry you through the various stages of self-annihilation (which happen when you are actually seeking enlightenment). So if you love yourself, and here comes an incredible amount of terror, [to say to yourself], “It’s okay, homey, it’s okay. Just trust. I love you. Just trust” will become very, very useful---it’s like an ally.

So a HEALTHY ego can awaken. An unhealthy ego can’t get anywhere near awakening, because it is still healing its wound---caused by not loving itself, caused by believing the conditioning from society (friends, family, church) caused by being its own enemy. So, first, HEAL—heal the relationship you have with yourself if you haven’t already. [One example would be to say to yourself], “It’s okay, it’s okay. We’re doing our best. It’s okay. We’ve been doing our best the whole time. Sometimes we didn’t know. Sometimes we didn’t pay attention. It’s okay.”

So, loving the face in the mirror. Loving that entire ‘character’ that you would call ‘your name’. When ‘that’ is completely loved THEN…then you can seek. Then you can sit and simply listen. And the layers will fall away.

The healthy anger is protection so that that love can happen. And unhealthy anger is terrified of loving, really--- I mean, terrified of loving.

If someone came into your house and tried to [harm] your family, it wouldn’t be wrong to defend yourself; to defend what you care about, to defend what you love (as best you can). If you have to hurt them to stop them from hurting your family, then ideally you do that in a way that leaves them still alive, and unable to hurt you.

There are thoughts---simply from the ‘web of the world’, from beliefs of antiquity, from schoolteachers and parents and friends and books and thousands of years of self-hate momentum---these thoughts have been believed (perhaps…or perhaps you’ve already cleared them all out…perhaps you never had them; that’s also an option). Bu if you believe these thoughts, then this anger is no different than protecting your from someone coming in and trying to hurt them. Because thoughts are a ‘virus’---there is nothing wrong with you. You were not born imperfect. The Christians, the Jews and anyone who believes in sin is not telling the truth. That is an entire system of self-hate, made into an incredible organization.
There.Is.Nothing.Wrong.With.You. Nothing. And if feels like there is, it’s just because you’ve believed all of this self-hate-conditioning.

So the anger is protection from all of that noise and all of those voices.

This is why if you look in the mirror and say, “I love you” to the face you see, and then perhaps you get what I got when I did it “F--- you!” and all of this stuff. And it’s an amazing experience because THAT’s the ‘robber’ who has broken through the door trying to get at the family.

And what’s amazing, what’s even better than that, is that you can actually just turn [your perspective] and ‘see’ all of that: all of that conditioning and all of that learning and self-critical judgments. Everything you believed when someone called you a ‘dumbass’ or a ‘sinner’ or said ‘something’s wrong with you’ and you see it and you realize you’re listening to it [this force of conditioning]! So if you’re listening to it, it’s not YOU.

And then…you can love it. Because you can hear that it’s just mistaken identity. And you love each piece, each thing, each belief that is heavy in your heart; each piece that is trapping and binding you in fear.

There is nothing wrong with you. There never was.

But this process is not like something that is [immediate]. It’s a process, it takes effort, it takes courage. TO love yourself and to sit still and LISTEN.

Because until you love yourself you have nothing to offer the world except need. Nothing. Because everything you do is simply trying to get a need met from the outside. And the need can only be met on the inside. When it is [met], then there is creativity and inspiration and energy and patience and compassion and just so much is available---to share with others.