Back Pain is Repressed Anger

I didn't just make this up. There's a whole movement around this started by Dr. John Starno (Healing Back Pain: The Mind Body Connection).

And I believe it's true, based on my experience with back pain. But let me back up for a minute (pun intended) and tell you how I think my back pain started.

Yoga was a big part of who I was/am. But at my last job, they put another person in my office. Me, the introvert, was working everyday with a very extroverted person in "my" office. And in that office, I would often use part of my lunch hour to pop in a DVD and do a yoga session. Or just roll out the mat when I was stressed and work it out. But I stopped doing that when this happened. Because? I WAS SELF CONSCIOUS. But, what was more true, is I lost that part of myself. To get along. To not be weird. To not make someone else uncomfortable.

I've decided it bothers me that we've used a phrase as powerful as "self conscious" to be a bad thing. I wish we'd known enough as a species to have said instead: ego conscious. I'm conscious of my ego, my fake self, my protective shell, my social face.

Because to be self-conscious should be a good thing. And now we don't have a way to say, "I have awakened to myself. I am self-conscious." This came up for me this morning when I did yoga. I haven't done yoga in probably a year. And just typing that brings tears to my eyes. I'm not sure if my back pain started because of this or not. But back pain happened, and happened in a big way (emergency room visits) and I stopped exercising all together. It's all sort of a swirl to me. But since I left that job, I haven't had a back flare. In fact, I've been gardening and doing home improvement and kept noticing that my back was cooperating instead of stabbing me like before.

So today, I tried yoga again. I put in my favorite DVD. And it was like, "Wow...welcome home, baby...where have you been?" I felt self-conscious (in the best possible way) as I went through the familiar and beloved movements of my body. I was still a little scared, but I completed the entire session. And it felt wonderful. We'll see what happens tonight. Will I have a flare? Or am I self-conscious enough of my anger issues that I don't need this "reminder"?