Anger and Stress

Whew. The photo above is pretty amazing (www.glideidea.com). I chose it because it really exemplifies how anger can feel.

Anger is perhaps the one and only reason you are on this site, seeking answers to your work stress. Anger is so damaging and so hard to contain that when it occurs it can feel like an entity or a current from out of nowhere. After it subsides, we often are left scratching our heads asking ourselves, "What was THAT about?"

Well, to begin to answer the question of "What was THAT?" I have done years of work on my own anger. I come from a long line of angry people. And it scared me to be raised in that environment, but that didn't keep me from displaying anger as an adult. In fact, I could really see the USE of anger sometimes. I mean, you WILL get some attention in a customer service situation, correct?

But in time, it became too damaging to my own self-image and my relationships in general. I could no longer reconcile my anger and my values. After years of research and training---in reality crafting an entire career in pursuit of the answer to, "How can I control my anger?"---I have found my answer (and share it in the hope that it will be your answer too).

This answer may or may not work for you. But if you give this answer a chance, I believe you will find what I have found:

It really isn't YOU that is angry.

The biggest problem with anger is the self-judgment and judgment from others after an explosion of anger takes place. We judge ourselves in hopes that this will keep it from happening again. And I say "It" quite intentionally.

Anger can feel like something bigger and stronger than us. It feels out of our control. It comes in no matter what types of resolutions and commitments to change we have made, and does what it has always done, much to our dismay.

So what do we do?

The Pain Body

Eckhart Tolle, author of "A New Earth" doesn't so much speak of anger when he describes something he calls "The Pain Body." Eckhart's work describes an accumulation of pain and hurt and negative emotion---accumulated over many years but never consciously integrated into our bodies---that eventually starts to feel (and act) like an independent entity out of your control.

Anger Management Services

As a stress management and communication skills expert, I can provide individual solutions to your anger issues that are guaranteed and completely confidential. I don't intend to add to your stress by charging more than you can afford, so all of my services are on a sliding scale. You and I will determine together, what your fee will be for the following:

Telephone Coaching
Email Coaching
Resume Creation and Interview Coaching
Human Resources Advice/Guidance
Spiritual Reading and Guidance

See my site Work Stress Solutions for details.

Five Steps to Eliminating Anger?

Maybe. Here's an article that swears this process works in just minutes a day and in five days:

From the article: All of us feel anger at times in our lives, and as long as we can acknowledge it and feel it fully, it flows through us and causes no harm. However, when we suppress it, when we hold it in and don’t feel safe expressing that anger, watch out!

Link to article

Back Pain is Repressed Anger

I didn't just make this up. There's a whole movement around this started by Dr. John Starno (Healing Back Pain: The Mind Body Connection).

And I believe it's true, based on my experience with back pain. But let me back up for a minute (pun intended) and tell you how I think my back pain started.

Yoga was a big part of who I was/am. But at my last job, they put another person in my office. Me, the introvert, was working everyday with a very extroverted person in "my" office. And in that office, I would often use part of my lunch hour to pop in a DVD and do a yoga session. Or just roll out the mat when I was stressed and work it out. But I stopped doing that when this happened. Because? I WAS SELF CONSCIOUS. But, what was more true, is I lost that part of myself. To get along. To not be weird. To not make someone else uncomfortable.

I've decided it bothers me that we've used a phrase as powerful as "self conscious" to be a bad thing. I wish we'd known enough as a species to have said instead: ego conscious. I'm conscious of my ego, my fake self, my protective shell, my social face.

Because to be self-conscious should be a good thing. And now we don't have a way to say, "I have awakened to myself. I am self-conscious." This came up for me this morning when I did yoga. I haven't done yoga in probably a year. And just typing that brings tears to my eyes. I'm not sure if my back pain started because of this or not. But back pain happened, and happened in a big way (emergency room visits) and I stopped exercising all together. It's all sort of a swirl to me. But since I left that job, I haven't had a back flare. In fact, I've been gardening and doing home improvement and kept noticing that my back was cooperating instead of stabbing me like before.

So today, I tried yoga again. I put in my favorite DVD. And it was like, "Wow...welcome home, baby...where have you been?" I felt self-conscious (in the best possible way) as I went through the familiar and beloved movements of my body. I was still a little scared, but I completed the entire session. And it felt wonderful. We'll see what happens tonight. Will I have a flare? Or am I self-conscious enough of my anger issues that I don't need this "reminder"?

Anger Stems From An Untrue Thought

You have read this truth either here or somewhere else. But that's easy to SAY, but what does it really mean and how do you do it?

This is a free PDF from DropBox (you do not have to register to read this, just select "No Thanks" below the registration box), that has the answer you need. It says it's the answer to enlightenment, but that's the same thing. Enlightenment or spiritual awakening is really just identifying the man-made ego (formed by thought) and putting it in its rightful place--instead of it being in control.

Here's the link.

Goal: Never Express Anger

Dr. Robert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Therapy (a pre-cursor to Byron Katie's 'The Work') found that if we EXPRESS anger we actually increase the likelihood of being angry in the future. The anger response is so physically stimulating that it programs the brain to want MORE, not less anger.

We've been told as a society that it isn't okay to NOT express anger or we will have heart attacks or get ulcers or have a stroke and so on. But his research found the opposite: that to express it is to create a reactionary set of biological circumstances that will tug at you to be reactivated again. What that means is you will be unconsciously LOOKING for things to get upset about...to feed these new pathways caused by adrenaline to survive. You get into a cycle that is harder and harder to break.

From one journal:

Anger can sabotage or inhibit you from achieving your goals
(a) Can’t solve problem: Anger acts as camouflage
(b) Gets misdirected at others
(c) Results in depression & anxiety
(d) Takes the form of self-criticism
(e) Creates tension in relationships

Another observation from Ellis that may shift your view of WHY you are expressing anger:

Anger Expression as a Way to Control Others – Much like temper tantrums in children, adult tantrums that accompany anger are performed with the intent to manipulate others into behaving accordingly, with or without the conscious awareness of the angry aggressor. While it may benefit the person in the short-term (and thus reinforcing the probability of more tantrums occurring in the future), anger tantrums inevitably will have negative consequences.

Egocentric Entitlement – This is a strongly held belief that one is deserving of fair treatment by other people, society, life, or the universe. However, much like self-righteousness, the belief is so strongly held that the notion of fairness only applies to oneself at the expense of the fair treatment of others. In some instances, anger may arise when we see ourselves deprived from the “privileges” the universe has given others, driving anger towards others, the universe, and even ourselves.

Visit Stephanie's website at http://www.work-stress-solutions.com

Three Week Cycles: Break the Anger Pattern

Another thing to be aware of is that the Adult Children of Alcoholics community cautions against the three week cycle or tension point. This is the amount of time most active alcoholics could resist their addiction until they created something to blow up at that allowed them the right to go out and binge. I find it interesting that this is concurrent with menstrual cycles as well. But be aware that your family may have had cycles of uproar and upset even if there was no drinking involved based on generations of this phenomenon. And your anger may follow a similar cycling.

The idea is to break that cycle. To see it. To sit in it. To not let these old habits of yore drive our response. Easier said than done...agreed. Perhaps a spoken agreement with a loved one to check whether this is happening in your household and to hold off on action until the time has passed is a good idea. Charting on a calendar can also bring some awareness around this pattern.