If You Don’t Have this Skill, Your Relationships Will Fail.
Posted by Prince Ea on Monday, October 19, 2015
Saturday, November 14, 2015
How to Handle Conflict/Anger in ANY Relationship
Prince EA does it again. Simple truth (and even a nod to Byron Katie!):
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
How to Control Your Mind (and Your Anger)
Prince EA says it better than I can. Please give this great video a quick look:
See more vids on my website Work Stress Solutions.Com
How To STOP Negative/Stressful Thinking Once and For All.This is A Must See!!
Posted by Prince Ea on Monday, October 26, 2015
See more vids on my website Work Stress Solutions.Com
Monday, October 19, 2015
What's the Matter With Anger?
Since this is my blog, I'd like to use this post to discuss how I REALLY feel about anger. Instead of trying to find a remedy for it, I'd like to ask: What's wrong with it in the first place? I lose my temper, and then I'm me again. I didn't kill anyone, I didn't even hit anyone, so why do so many people tend to avoid me or drop away completely when I get angry?
They don't do that when I cry. They don't do that when I sulk. So what is it that makes us repel with anger? Why do we judge it so harshly? Is it conditioning from our childhood? Were we punished more harshly when we responded in this way?
I'd like to make anger acceptable. Especially in women. It seems to me that a man is defined as strong or assertive when angered and a woman is called one word: Bitch.
They don't do that when I cry. They don't do that when I sulk. So what is it that makes us repel with anger? Why do we judge it so harshly? Is it conditioning from our childhood? Were we punished more harshly when we responded in this way?
I'd like to make anger acceptable. Especially in women. It seems to me that a man is defined as strong or assertive when angered and a woman is called one word: Bitch.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Sit In It
There's a little known work called The Presence Process. It's a program developed by Michael Brown after battling with a chronic pain disorder that he claims allowed his body and mind to heal itself. It simply teaches you to SIT in your feelings. When you feel sad, angry, thrilled sit quietly, let it absorb your body and feel it fully. Without agenda, without expectation, let the feelings consume you. They WILL dissipate. It's counterintuitive, but it works.
Most of us resist our feelings, try to replace them with "better" ones or drive them away (temporarily) with substances. This doesn't work, at least not for long. The Presence Process DOES work however.
You can buy the book and work the ten-week program, but I simply invite you try finding a quiet place to sit and breathe and let feeling percolate up and observe the sensation in the body. It won't kill you, in fact in will make you stronger.
Most of us resist our feelings, try to replace them with "better" ones or drive them away (temporarily) with substances. This doesn't work, at least not for long. The Presence Process DOES work however.
You can buy the book and work the ten-week program, but I simply invite you try finding a quiet place to sit and breathe and let feeling percolate up and observe the sensation in the body. It won't kill you, in fact in will make you stronger.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Expressing Your Anger Doesn't Eliminate Your Anger
According to Dr. Albert Ellis, just the opposite. In expressing our anger, we flare our nervous system and create neurotransmitters and adrenaline receptors that, later, beg to be fed. In other words, they want you to get angry again so they can live.
Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, a fancy term for changing your thoughts, is Dr. Ellis' solution. Here's more:
REBT is an action-oriented approach to managing cognitive, emotional, and behavioral disturbances.
According to REBT, it is largely our thinking about events that leads to emotional and behavioral upset. With an emphasis on the present, individuals are taught how to examine and challenge their unhelpful thinking which creates unhealthy emotions and self-defeating/self-sabotaging behaviors.
REBT is a practical approach to assist individuals in coping with and overcoming adversity as well as achieving goals. REBT places a good deal of its focus on the present. REBT addresses attitudes, unhealthy emotions (e.g., unhealthy anger, depression, anxiety, guilt, etc.) and maladaptive behaviors (e.g., procrastination, addictive behaviors, aggression, unhealthy eating, sleep disturbance, etc.) that can negatively impact life satisfaction. REBT practitioners work closely with individuals, seeking to help identify their individual set of beliefs (attitudes, expectations and personal rules) that frequently lead to emotional distress.
REBT then provides a variety of methods to help people reformulate their dysfunctional beliefs into more sensible, realistic and helpful ones by employing the powerful REBT technique called “disputing.” Ultimately, REBT helps individuals to develop a philosophy and approach to living that can increase their effectiveness and satisfaction at work, in living successfully with others, in parenting and educational settings, in making our community and environment healthier, and in enhancing their own emotional health and personal welfare.
I'll provide the HOW later. If you'd like to explore this on your own, click here.
Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, a fancy term for changing your thoughts, is Dr. Ellis' solution. Here's more:
REBT is an action-oriented approach to managing cognitive, emotional, and behavioral disturbances.
According to REBT, it is largely our thinking about events that leads to emotional and behavioral upset. With an emphasis on the present, individuals are taught how to examine and challenge their unhelpful thinking which creates unhealthy emotions and self-defeating/self-sabotaging behaviors.
REBT is a practical approach to assist individuals in coping with and overcoming adversity as well as achieving goals. REBT places a good deal of its focus on the present. REBT addresses attitudes, unhealthy emotions (e.g., unhealthy anger, depression, anxiety, guilt, etc.) and maladaptive behaviors (e.g., procrastination, addictive behaviors, aggression, unhealthy eating, sleep disturbance, etc.) that can negatively impact life satisfaction. REBT practitioners work closely with individuals, seeking to help identify their individual set of beliefs (attitudes, expectations and personal rules) that frequently lead to emotional distress.
REBT then provides a variety of methods to help people reformulate their dysfunctional beliefs into more sensible, realistic and helpful ones by employing the powerful REBT technique called “disputing.” Ultimately, REBT helps individuals to develop a philosophy and approach to living that can increase their effectiveness and satisfaction at work, in living successfully with others, in parenting and educational settings, in making our community and environment healthier, and in enhancing their own emotional health and personal welfare.
I'll provide the HOW later. If you'd like to explore this on your own, click here.
Saturday, September 26, 2015
It Wasn't Supposed To Be This Way!
Anger can also come from a feeling of injustice. A feeling that something isn't fair or should be a different way than it is. Romance is supposed to make us happy. People shouldn't be starving. Hard work should be rewarded. The good guys are supposed to win.
These are the things we've been taught in our culture. And like it or not, they don't always come true. In fact, they OFTEN don't come true. It would be a better use of our time and effort to invest in the plan for when they don't work out, then to bang our head in frustration, against the Societal Brick Wall of Justice.
How will you handle it when the promise from elders and society doesn't happen for you?
Anger is not action. Anger is not progress. Very often, we see it as energy or energetic. But it is not the same as picking up the pieces. Or having a plan for change. Or even starting a small protest on the Capital Steps. Don't confuse anger with activity or might. Your entire life could be consumed with this falsehood. And nothing will change at all.
Monday, September 14, 2015
Anger is Fear (or Sadness/Grief/Loss)
I like to play with this notion that all anger is really fear (and/or the impending result of what you feared came to pass and now you are sad). It was first brought to my attention through a study that is viewable on the American Psychological Association website. I often track my own anger to its root and see that it is always fear (even though at first, I don't believe that at all).
So, if the people before you are fearful (when they lose their temper, give you the silent treatment, etc), how can we ask them what they are afraid of instead of judging them for presenting "anger" instead. They are presenting anger to us as a form of self-protection; to keep their dignity and self-esteem in place in an unsafe situation. Can't blame them for that! I'd be worried about someone who DIDN'T do this when faced with such a vulnerable reality.
Anger is fear. But we can't SAY that to people. They'll only become more fearful (and this will be presented as more anger). We need words we can use to pose questions that will get to the root---the truth---of what is happening for people when anger is present.
"I know from past conversations with others at your level, Director, that not getting the budget you expected can be a blow. You may be imagining how your employees will react when they hear the news. Or you may be wondering how you will provide the same level of quality and service on fewer dollars. Here is why the money is less this year (insert reason). I am wondering if we can take a look at what you can cut to make up for this difference. I'd be happy to help you with this analysis."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I would get this picture in my head when I was trying out for cheerleading at your age of what would happen, how would I respond or act, if I didn't make it? I am thinking you have similar pictures in your head when you are trying out for football and it may worry you. What could be some things you could say if you don't make the team that would sort of deflect that embarrassing moment, should it come to pass? Something funny or light would work, wouldn't it?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The silent treatment may seem like the calmer, kinder response...but when I can't hear what you are thinking, I have no way to respond to try and make things better. Would you consider telling me what you are thinking right now?"
Sit down and craft an opening statement that does NOT make the person seem weak, wrong or even impartially informed. Find a way to interject your own experience with the same or similar situation. Then start a conversation with this person when things are a little calmer and SHUT UP after offering the opening statement. Don't try to change their mind. Don't try to persuade them to see they are wrong or off-base or that you aren't the one they should be mad at. Just be quiet and wait for the reply. See it as peeling back layers of an onion.
If they are scared, you have the advantage. You literally have the biological advantage because your brain hasn't moved into the "reptile" mode that anger causes. Be the rational one instead of getting scared yourself and leaping to their angry state in defense.
So, if the people before you are fearful (when they lose their temper, give you the silent treatment, etc), how can we ask them what they are afraid of instead of judging them for presenting "anger" instead. They are presenting anger to us as a form of self-protection; to keep their dignity and self-esteem in place in an unsafe situation. Can't blame them for that! I'd be worried about someone who DIDN'T do this when faced with such a vulnerable reality.
Anger is fear. But we can't SAY that to people. They'll only become more fearful (and this will be presented as more anger). We need words we can use to pose questions that will get to the root---the truth---of what is happening for people when anger is present.
"I know from past conversations with others at your level, Director, that not getting the budget you expected can be a blow. You may be imagining how your employees will react when they hear the news. Or you may be wondering how you will provide the same level of quality and service on fewer dollars. Here is why the money is less this year (insert reason). I am wondering if we can take a look at what you can cut to make up for this difference. I'd be happy to help you with this analysis."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I would get this picture in my head when I was trying out for cheerleading at your age of what would happen, how would I respond or act, if I didn't make it? I am thinking you have similar pictures in your head when you are trying out for football and it may worry you. What could be some things you could say if you don't make the team that would sort of deflect that embarrassing moment, should it come to pass? Something funny or light would work, wouldn't it?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The silent treatment may seem like the calmer, kinder response...but when I can't hear what you are thinking, I have no way to respond to try and make things better. Would you consider telling me what you are thinking right now?"
Sit down and craft an opening statement that does NOT make the person seem weak, wrong or even impartially informed. Find a way to interject your own experience with the same or similar situation. Then start a conversation with this person when things are a little calmer and SHUT UP after offering the opening statement. Don't try to change their mind. Don't try to persuade them to see they are wrong or off-base or that you aren't the one they should be mad at. Just be quiet and wait for the reply. See it as peeling back layers of an onion.
If they are scared, you have the advantage. You literally have the biological advantage because your brain hasn't moved into the "reptile" mode that anger causes. Be the rational one instead of getting scared yourself and leaping to their angry state in defense.
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